Friday, October 10, 2008

Confessions

I have a problem. A fault, a weakness. I have a real problem with letting people see inside my heart. I hate being vulnerable. I would much rather talk about cooking or kids than what is really going on inside my heart. I hate letting people see me cry. I'm not really sure why I'm like this. It isn't that I don't want people to see my weakness, trust me. I'll be the first person to tell you that I do NOT have it all together. My husband says that I hate inconveniencing people, to the point that it can actually hinder me in things. Maybe that's what it is. I'm not really sure. That's why, on my blog, you'll probably see a lot more posts that involve recipes or the crazy antics of my children then real glimpses into my heart. But for some reason, I woke up this morning and I felt the Lord saying, "Amanda, it's time to make a confession." So, (deep breath) if you will bare with me for the next couple minutes, I'd like to share a little bit about the state of my heart.

The past couple years I've felt this....cancer growing inside my heart ( we're talking figuratively, people.) I've come to realize that I don't believe in God's love for me. Now, generally, I know God loves me. But deep down...I have doubts. My realization started several months ago when I started reading Beth Moore's "Breaking Free". I didn't finish the book. In fact, I only got into the first couple chapters. But I started reading some of the obstacles that could hinder your walk and one of them was something along the lines of "not believing in God's love". That one kind of stuck with me for a while. I thought about it and then forgot. Well, again, a few months ago I was rereading "Hinds Feet in High Places" (awesome book, by the way) and by the end of the book I was in tears. Is this really what the love of God is like? Do we really have a God who is so compassionate? Who will swoop in and fight for us? Who will let us lay our heads on his shoulder and just weep? This is when I knew something was wrong with my heart. As I thought more and more about it I realized that I have been paying too much attention to the areas of the Bible that talk about fearing God and not enough to the parts that speak of His love. I didn't do this intentionally. But over time, my perception of God has changed into a God who is constantly disappointed in my failures ( meaning ALWAYS disappointed!) and shaking his head at me. This issue came up again last night. We are having a week of meetings (aka- revival meetings, as any good southerner would know) at our church this week. Last night the speaker was talking about forgiveness. He was saying that when a christian sincerely repents God is right there to forgive and extend His love. Again, this stuck with me and I've been thinking about it all morning. Doesn't God hold it against me for a while? Doesn't He hold it over my head and remind me of it? Or wait....maybe that was the devil bringing up past sins up all this time.... So, this is my confession. I have doubts. And while in my head I KNOW that God loves me, my heart has yet to learn it. Pray for me. Encourage me. Hey, if you feel led...teach me! Thanks for listening..er...reading.

Running the race,
~A

2 comments:

Paprika said...

Oh amanda, I wish you would let out your heart more often. It's a joy to others. It certainly is difficult to understand God's love. You are not alone. I pray we all learn to believe in His (and even other people's) love for us, despite all our weaknesses. Love you!

Marie said...

Thank you for sharing all that babe. I know it was hard, but I really, really appreciate it. I'm excited that God is teaching you these things. He does love you; more than you'll ever know. Good old Beth! She may have big hair and wear too many turtlenecks, but she knows how to get you to take a look inside your heart, huh? ;)

Being vulnerable is scary. I'm a pretty open person in general, but it can be extra scary to share the really deep stuff. Ahh but so freeing too...

I LOVE YOU ROOMIE PIE!